A Day Late and a Dollar Short – Just Like My Dads

Father’s Day is over, and I didn’t get this posted.  But I realized it’s a metaphor for… … my own paternal situation.

My biological father Bill may have been – OK probably was – a deadbeat.  He had a college education as a journalist and the good looks and charm to make it, even in competitive Los Angeles.  But according to my mom Dorthy, he preferred going bowling to going to a job.  She had to clean a rich woman’s house just to put food in the fridge.  I don’t know if the part about Bill stopping by to visit her and stealing jewelry from the woman – who then blamed my mother and called the cops, who allowed my mom to call her father, who came to the house and broke Bill’s jaw, whereupon Bill confessed – was true.  What I do know is that they divorced and she and I went to live with her father.  Bill never paid child support.  And years later, when she had moved me to her in-laws in Pennsylvania and then remarried, and I hadn’t seen my father for six years, Bill came home to his parents to die.  He had cancer at 36, and he brought a hella lotta bowling trophies with him.  Just not enough to put food on the table, I guess.

But I have a few sweet memories of him.  After the divorce, he took me for occasional overnights.  He’d pick me up on Saturday afternoon, often lifting me, squealing with excitement, out of my bath with a big towel.  We went to the store where I was allowed to pick out breakfast rolls and a comic book.  Then he took me to the bowling alley where I cheered mightily for him, no matter whether he had a strike or a gutter ball.  He read me the comic book to put me to sleep, in the one bed in his single apartment, and re-read it in the morning while we ate our rolls.  Then he took me to a park or a movie before returning me to my mom.

At 12, I didn’t realize immediately that he had come home to die.  He talked about going back to school to become a teacher like his brother.  We spent much of a summer at my grandparents’ cabin in the Pocono Mountains.  He fished a lot.  My favorite day was when he took me out with him in the row boat.  He baited the hooks for me, and I finally did catch one trout.  He caught many.  We had a feast with our neighbors that night.  He cleaned the trout (I couldn’t watch) and then pan-fried them in corn meal.  It was one of the best meals I ever had.  As his body shrank and death drew closer, I couldn’t watch that either.  But the last words he spoke to me (croaked, really, as he could hardly talk) were “You’re so beautiful.”  And I would always have those comic book mornings and that sun-dappled day in the boat.

My stepfather Jim was a high school teacher and basketball coach.  My mom met him while we were living with her in-laws (before Bill moved there to get cancer treatment and then die).  She  settled into housewifery with Jim.  They were trying to have another child, and there were several heartbreaking miscarriages and one soul-crushing death of a son the day after birth before my healthy sister was finally born.  During those years, Jim paid only minimal attention to me.  He never adopted me.  To be honest, he was obsessed with sports and especially with his own teams, and then, after she came along, with my little sister.  During the day, when he wasn’t working, he liked to take her out and about.  At night, he could usually be found at the local Republican Club, hashing out his coaching strategies with an assortment of former players, assistant coaches and local geezers – which I think made for a pretty lonely marriage for my mother.  Eventually she divorced him, too.

Here are the positives about my stepfather.  He had a good work ethic, always kept a roof over our heads, and yes, food in the fridge (OK, there were the early Spam years, but they got better).  With his late nights and depending on how much beer was consumed, I’m sure he often felt like calling in sick.  But he almost never did.  Just like Bill and the stolen jewelry, I never knew if the story that he punched out a friend who made a sexual comment about me when I was home from college was true, but I could imagine it.  He was a strait-laced, traditional man, and even though he didn’t understand things like homosexuality, he stood up for a fellow teacher when the school board threatened to revoke his pension for having a gay relationship.

My best memories were much later, when he’d visit my home in Southern California.  He finally treated me equal to my sister and talked to me as one would to the eldest child.  On long walks with my dog, he spoke more personally than he ever had.  The most meaningful thing he said to me was that he wished he had been a better husband and father.  I’m old enough now to know how hard it is to live with mistakes that cannot be undone.

Here’s the kicker:  My two fathers were brothers.  One may have wanted to do better, but he didn’t, and then he ran out of time.  My stepfather tried harder, but unfortunately, he made one more mistake before he died.  He was proud of the money he had saved in order to leave something to my sister and me.  But when he became sick, he gave too much power to a pretty, but unscrupulous, woman.  She claimed (through her lawyer) that he wanted her to have that money.  At least I knew my stepfather well enough to know that it wasn’t true.  He wasn’t perfect, but he loved his daughters.

My 3 parents

My mom with her current and future husbands –

I would love to know what is going on in those heads!

 

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40 thoughts on “A Day Late and a Dollar Short – Just Like My Dads

  1. I remember the family dynamics very well. My Mom was always close to your father, and was just one of the family who gave your step-dad a hard time, I am assuming you know that, because they did, your Mom too. I thought they were very unfair, she was one of my favorite relatives and I likes your step-dad better than his brother too. Your Grandparents were wonderful, they never said anything about the situation but did understand very well what went on. I loved your grandparents and always thought they and Great Grandma were our best relatives.

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    • Thanks for sharing that, Debi! It’s so interesting because it doesn’t all match what I saw. Yes, I can imagine much of the family was disapproving. But I have to say my grandmother was disapproving, too. She and my mom didn’t get along very well, and I think there was fault on both sides. My grandfather, of course, seemed to be a prince!

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  2. I feel so sad after reading the story between your father and you. I don’t have a close relationship with my father. Maybe because he is not good at express emotions, or maybe because we didn’t spend much time together. He said he did not want to come to my wedding if I got married because he couldn’t stand someone else took me away from him.Deep in my heart, I always know that he loves me very much.however, by the time I realized that I have never spend real time with him, I have already come to America, away from home.

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  3. Thank you for sharing your dads with us. Your story is very inspiring. I like how you describe your dads with negative and positive memories. The story reminds me of my father, who is always there for me. I believe that every father try their best to make us happy.

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  4. I have an interesting story about fathers as well. I am a love child. My mom was married to Donald first and had my brother, Dwight. They divorced, and my mom married Ben who was supposed to be my father. Unfortunately, Ben was not able to have children, so he gave my mom permission to sleep with another man to get pregnant because she wanted more children. She found Jason who was 18, but still in high school. He worked for Best Buy, and he did not have a lot going on in his life (also he was my brother’s friend). My mom got pregnant and thinking Jason would leave, she kept me. However, Jason did not leave, and I had an awkward childhood of my mom, my “dad,” and some random guy who claimed to be a family friend. I was often asked if Jason was my brother because he was so young and we looked so much alike. I always had a feeling I was Jason’s daughter but then I would shrug it off like I had a wild imagination. My mom told me the truth about my father in 2016 shortly after I was raped (2016 was not a good year for me). Ben also was dead as well. Every time a guy tells me their type is a girl with daddy issues, I always tell them that my daddy issues are so complex that you would get lost after two minutes of me talking lol.

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    • Wow! I think that story beats mine! But try to think of it this way: we are unique. A guy should not hope for a girl with daddy issues, and a girl should not hope for a guy with daddy issues – talk about complicated psychopathy! But most of us have some – the key is to understand them and not let them control us.

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  5. Great story and you have a wonderful forgiving heart. The way you describe; how your biological father was absent, then came back to die but also rebuild his relationship with you is awesome. Its wonderful when you can take the negative part of the relationship and choose to move on with the positive side of things.

    I also wanted to comment about your mother. Sounds like you have an amazing, hard working and dedicated mom =).

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  6. I find this post very touching and nostalgic, thank you for sharing such poignant memories of your childhood and your parent(s). I often wonder how the generation before us viewed being emotionally in touch with oneself and expression of those emotions to others. They seem to have been much more stoic and closed-off than we Gen-Xers are and even more so when comparing them to the Millenials. Tough situations to overcome but they seem to have done their jobs in raising you and your sister right… I was surprised to find out the kicker of your fathers being brothers. I didn’t see that coming and it make your story quite unforgettable. I hope your mother was able to find love again and happy to hear that you and your stepfather came to terms in his later years. I look forward to reading more on your blog!

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    • Yes, it is interesting to contemplate how things were for previous generations! Not to mention future ones! It’s true my father situation was unusual, and I too was happy to come to terms with my stepfather. Unfortunately, my mother’s final years did not end well due to a mental illness.

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  7. Although your father wasnt able to give you the attention you needed, you showed girl power and gave yourself enough confidence to be successful!

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  8. Did you ever find it weird that both of your fathers were brothers? Reading this article, it makes me reflect on my relationship not only with my father but also my mother. I do not feel very close to them and there is always a barrier between us because of the parent-child dynamic relationship. It seems so hard to get past that. I wish one day I can figure out a way to improve my relationships with my parents. Thank you for allowing me to realize that!

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    • Yes, I did know it was weird. And when I was younger my parents wanted me to keep it a secret. I told a couple friends anyway, and once I was grown I decided that I didn’t want to be secretive, I wanted to be very open about my life. You’re still young, so I think there is time for your parents to realize that you are an adult and treat you that way. That opens the door for a closer relationship. And here’s a thought: In the spirit of openness, you could even tell them that you’d like a closer relationship, and what you think it might take.

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  9. I can relate on how perspective changes when you get older. My parents came to America when I was 5 years old, I don’t really remember much as baby but my grandparents and aunts and uncles always took care of me. My siblings and I came to America when i was 10, and our family reunited. But my Uncles, who is my dad’s brothers always took care of us and Aunts who were my mom’s sisters took care of us as well. Could it be because of cultural different? Cause when I came to America I see a lot of deadbeats and single mothers more.

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  10. Wow!
    Thank you for sharing I think we all have misconceptions about what we consider a perfect family but the truth is their is no such thing as a perfect family.In fact most families have their problems no family is perfect and neither is any father.

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  11. Hello Lynda!
    I found this Story as a really excellent read. It’s very crazy how as you get older you realize more that just the picture that you see. None the less this is a great read and I am glad you had got that actual daughter time with your step father.

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  12. SO well written. I can say this reminded me of my biological dad, though i never met him, i knew he was a deadbeat also. My mother was a single mother until she met my stepfather and again, became divorced after having a child with my stepfather. At least i know I’m not the only one who was going through something similar.

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  13. I cannot relate to your story, but I do know people who I am close to that can relate to your story and I’ve seen the emotions and stress it puts them through. Although it’s a very unfortunate situation to be in and I could never imagine how I would be able to handle it emotionally. I know it helps mold people and it has made you very strong and gritty individual.

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  14. Wow, it’s never easy to see someone go through a divorce, I am glad you were able to make great memories despite that. Life goes by in an instant, I lost someone very close to me, and I wish I could only be there to share more memories with him and tell him how much I really felt about him. The moments we shared will always stay together.

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    • Some people find it hard to feel the same love for a stepchild as a blood child. And I think I knew that even as a kid. But you know what I think? At the very least, they damn sure should try not to show it! My stepfather finally ‘got it,’ but not until I (the stepchild he got when I was about 8) was over 40 years old.

      But at least he finally got it. There is something to be said about that.

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  15. You’re a better woman than me; I don’t know how you found the strength to forgive someone that was absent and showcased favoritism. I wouldn’t know what to do.

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