Oh Dude!

Ever fantasize about going to a dude ranch?  Me neither.  So how did I come to find myself standing in line, waiting my turn to have lunch ladled onto my tin home-on-the-range style plate?

I’ll get to that in a minute.  But for now, just put yourself in that line with me.  What would have been on your mind?

Frankly, what was on mine was the rumor of chili.  It’s one of my favorite foods, nutritious and delicious, and one of the recipes in the sexy cookbook I’m writing.

‘Oh, I hope it has beans (and to hell with the restrictive “purity” standards of the International Chili Society).  Beef or turkey, ground or chunked?  Ratio of chili powder to cumin? What other flavors?  Bite-sized pieces of vegetable or just flecks of color that hint at some?  And what will they serve with it?’

“They” in this case were represented by the young Mexican-American man serving the chili and sides.  And these were my thoughts as I ambled behind the others and felt the slight nudge of the plate belonging to the woman behind me. Distracted by the imminence of food, I nonetheless was able to make a bit of small talk with her.

“Did you ride this morning?” she asked.



We shuffled a little bit closer to the real object of our interest.

And then I was standing in front of him with my plate held slightly forward.  I’m sure my lips were parted in a hopeful little smile, as my eyes met his in anticipation.

His were a deep brown.  They caught and captured mine.

“I waited for you this morning,” he murmured.

The woman behind me muffled a gasp.

This morning???  He waited for ME???  Was I supposed to meet up with this hunk of manboy???  Where???  And why???

I racked my brain to remember the night before.  First there was the wine reception on the patio. Pinot had flowed like horse urine.  As the sun sank lower, I felt the liquid gold move languidly from the top of my mane down through my loins.  Had he been the one who brought out the perfect guacamole?  Did I say “Thank you” – or something more?

Then there was the hayride out to the BBQ.  The sky was lit with flames of sunset, and I held the half-empty bottle between my haunches as the wagon slowly rocked us back and forth along a dirt road.  Had he been our driver, hitting a rut as he turned back to give me a meaningful stare?  Did I return a slight nod back to him?

The BBQ took place in a grove out in the middle of a field, under a canopy of cottonwoods.  It was the night of the Harvest Moon.  As we ate our tri-tip, chicken and corn, the sky turned to midnight, and the perfect orange globe moved higher through the trees.  A slight breeze kicked up so that I had to put a blanket over my withers.  Behind the huge iron grill were the dimly lit shadows of the cowboy cooks, the low rumble of their voices.  Was he one of them back there helping to char the meat?  Did I imagine it, or did he slip me an extra ear of corn?

And why did he say “this morning”?  If we had a tryst, shouldn’t it have been under cover of mysterious night?  The trail would have been just visible enough, the leaves turned to silver in the light of that glorious moon. When I thought I heard a woodpecker in the pine tree outside my door, was that actually him tap-tap-tapping discreetly at my stall?

Maybe his work continued long into the night.  And maybe, as the sky grew light, he had climbed the hill to the broken-down barn instead of going to his bunk.  There by the old pickup truck was where he thought I would be waiting for him, pawing the ground, whinnying softly.  We’d unlatch the barn door, slip out of our tack, and ride to a lather on that sweet-smelling hay…

Hey!  The woman behind me cleared her throat, nudging her plate a little more deeply into my flank.  I turned one eye on her.  She raised an eyebrow.  But I could not just trot on without knowing.

Quietly I asked him, “Where did you wait for me?”

A screen door banged.  He startled.  In a loud voice he said, “Why, at breakfast, ma’am.  I set a place for you and your sister.  I asked the cook to hold the food.  But you guys didn’t come.”

“Oh…yes…you’re right.  These ranch hours are a little early for us, huh huh huh!”  I hoped I wasn’t turning roan red as I continued to hold my plate out.  He spooned me some chili, forked me some greens, and topped the meal with a huge square of corn bread.  As I thanked him, I saw that his eyes were already looking to his next customer.

How I came to be there was that my sister is learning to ride and asked me to keep her company. I saw it as a getaway for some bonding, reading, writing, R&R.  I was not particularly looking for a dude.  And even if I were, he would not be a ranch hand half my age.  (Now if Jeff Bridges had turned up, well, that might have been a different story!)

But isn’t fantasy marvelous?  And isn’t it intriguing, in both an embarrassing but also a brain-teasing way, how we can imagine that we’re so on the same page with somebody else, only to find out we’re not even in the same book?

By the way, the chili had beans and was quite tasty.  And even though I don’t ride, horses that is, I enjoyed my weekend at Rankin Ranch for many reasons, one of which was:  Viva la dude!

horses nuzzling

In Licking the Spoon, my book in progress about food, sex and relationships, I explore the fun of fantasy for individuals and couples.

139 thoughts on “Oh Dude!

  1. It’s really interesting how interests can escalate to being the same. Small world we live in right? And I love me some bbq ribs!


    • That’s an example of just taking a moment in time and turning it into the story. Other than my description of the place, the only truth in the story was his comment about waiting for me. Which I took out of context and then turned into a story, voila!


  2. This article was indeed a very entertaining read. I too have had been caught in some awkward situations before, mainly due to my tendency to over think things; to see that someone else has also had such moments makes me feel happy that I’m not the only one who gets myself into such situations. Great article!


  3. I’m so glad I found the story! It was a good one. I like riding my cousins horses but am scared of them for me to ride on my own. I would like to one day fully learn without being scared.


  4. I really enjoyed reading this story. I have grown up around horses and am now a Certified Riding Instructor, I love all the little horse terms you put into the story.
    I saw your comments about not wanted to ride and all the bad experiences people have had with horses and it makes me sad. It is very common because a lot of people put people on horses that just should not or on horses that they should not put anyone on and they get hurt or have a bad experiences and it ruins something that can be so magical. Its really sad to me that people have to be certified to cut peoples hair but you do not have to be certified to put your kid on an 1000 pound horse. Just wrong!
    All that being said I really truly enjoyed your story!


    • Good point! I was put on a horse at 5 years old, with a group of strangers, riding on a narrow trail above a canyon. The horse started turning around to go back home and I freaked! I’m sure my mom meant well, but that feels like child abuse! But I’m glad you liked the story and my horsing around with the language. 🙂


  5. haha it is so uncomfortable getting stuck in a situation like that. you defiantly handled the situation a lot better than i would have, i would have blew it. kuddos to you!


  6. LOL. “I waited for you this morning.” I definitely would have had some awkward comeback. I especially enjoyed the “I don’t ride, horses that is” comment.


  7. That hunk of a man boy hahaha a hahaha I died.
    I can see how this made its way to the la times. Sorry they changed the title!


  8. Lol funny story, “I waited for you this morning” You handle that comment very well, I would’ve been lost in his brown eyes and say something dumb or stutter. Horses are very fun I myself use to ride horses. It is very cool experience I recommended to everyone.


    • You’re like my sister who enjoys the horses. But I had fun with the fantasy. Seems like maybe you would have enjoyed that, too. 😉


  9. I loved this!!! Right away I was thinking ohhh goodness what did she get herself into? I tend to overthink and find myself in some rather crazy situations. But what else are we supposed to do with life other than live it and make the best of it! Make me want to visit a Dude Ranch and have some chili…


  10. It took me until almost the end of the post to realize ‘dude ranch’ is not the female equivalency of a ‘bunny ranch.’ But it was a fun read nonetheless, I would’ve made a total fool of myself if a handsome man with a pot full of chili told me they waited for me that morning. And yes, beans do belong in chili.


    • You gave me my morning laugh! 🙂 Yes, I felt a bit foolish – but I’m glad I could laugh about it (and turn it into a story!)


  11. Very interesting read and enjoyed every bit of it ! Also a huge fan of chili as well. I hope one day that I am giving the chance to ride horses.


  12. Like JMark4, it took me a while to realize a dude ranch doesn’t have much to do with sex. I found this article to be very enjoyable! Fantasy /is/ a marvelous thing. It’s incredible how our brain can pretty much create an alternate reality for us. I’m glad you had fun on your little adventure and also had fun writing this piece. I really enjoy hearing about your life experiences, Professor Hoggan!

    (P.S: Going on the Rankin’ Ranch website made me feel a little nostalgic. I like the website’s format, it seems slightly 2000s-ish. With this in mind, have you ever considered writing about issues of sexuality and being online?)


    • Another fun thing about writing this piece was that it got published in the L.A. Times! Yes, the Ranch is reminiscent of an earlier time, LOL. Re: your question, I’m not exactly sure what you mean. I have thought about writing about dating online, which I have done quite a bit of. Thanks for reading!


  13. I could not help but feel awkward with you. As much as I enjoyed your story, I wonder what his morning was like and his interpretation of your encounter.


  14. I feel like I tend to do this alot too, creating scenarios in my head or thinking of a situation which turns out quite the opposite.


    • In this case, I wasn’t really fantasizing about this guy, I was just struck by what he said. Later when I thought about it I laughed and then thought of turning it into a story. But having an active imagination is a good thing!


  15. LOL…I’m glad you answered the question that was burning in my mind…how was the chili?? Food usually doesn’t disappoint as often as men.


  16. That was such a wild ride! I really thought that he was going to say something passionate or romantic. I’m glad that the chili had beans in it (I don’t think that chili without beans is real chili, but that’s just my opinion), and that you still had a fun time. It sounds like my kind of place! 🙂


  17. i actually went to a dude ranch in Wyoming when i was 13. I loved it! so freeing and beautiful! i took 12 rolls of film in the two weeks we were there.


  18. If I was in your shoes I would have melted! I would not even remember where or who I was. It would be incredible to just experience what a dude ranch really is.


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